Boundaries.
I used to think of that word as the polar opposite of being “too nice” – a label I was once regularly given. Somewhere along the way, I started to believe that being “too nice” also meant being a doormat.
In his book Give and Take, Adam Grant divides people into Givers, Takers, and Matchers. Many Givers carry a quiet fear: “If I’m helpful and generous, people will just walk all over me.”
Grant’s response?
You only become a doormat when you give without limits – boundaries.
That one hit me hard.
I realized I had to get comfortable with not being nice all the time. I was always trying to keep the peace at any cost. If someone asked my opinion, I’d instantly defer to what they wanted. Over time, I honestly wasn’t even sure what I wanted anymore.
Grant teaches that successful Givers aren’t selfless – they’re “otherish.”
That means:
- They care about others and themselves
- They give, but not at the expense of their own well-being
- They protect their time, energy, and values
Selfless Givers (aka the doormat version):
- Say “yes” to everyone
- Avoid conflict
- Let others drain their energy
- Burn out
Otherish Givers set limits. And because of that, they’re often more respected and more successful in the long run. Being generous does not require being a doormat. In fact, sometimes “no” is the most generous answer – because it protects the quality of your “yes.”
Givers don’t become doormats when they’re intentional about who they help and how they help.
So don’t stop being generous. Just stop being self-sacrificing.
Think about a child who brings you last-minute homework help requests right as you’re heading to bed. My kids knew my rule: no homework help after 9:00 pm. They didn’t always love it, and sometimes thought it was unreasonable, but I knew sacrificing myself and my sleep for a last-minute request would then ruin my entire next day. And the best way for me to continue to show up for them fully each day, was to protect my own sleep routines.
That boundary wasn’t mean.
It was healthy.
Set expectations. Be clear about your needs.
Friends & Peer Pressure
This gets tricky. It looks different in your teens and twenties than it does later in life. I remember being surprised when my mom would be disappointed in her friends for being catty — even in their 50s. I honestly thought we “outgrew” that stuff. Turns out, not everyone does. And sometimes we don’t realize how hurtful our words can be – especially to someone who has a doormat giving style.
I’m incredibly loyal to my people. If one of my closest friends is hurt, I feel it personally. But that doesn’t mean I can only have friends in the same circles or “cliques.” I have best friends, really good friends, and lots of acquaintances, and I value them all.
What I’ve learned, though, is how to protect my time. To set healthy boundaries.
When I plan intentionally – even if it’s cocktails with a friend once or twice a year – that time becomes so much more meaningful. We’re present. We connect deeply. And we both understand that sometimes life causes last-minute cancellations. No guilt. No drama. Because when we do show up, we’re all in.
Boundaries = Values in Action
Learning to set boundaries is really about revisiting your values. (See how those values keep showing up?)
When you’re unsure which direction to take, check in with:
- Your priorities
- Your goals
- What truly matters to you
And trust your gut. Your intuition. Your inner voice.
It is there to guide you – if you’re willing to listen.
Check out the “Resources” section on our website – WHealthyEmpowerment.com to gain additional guidance.
